September 23, 2003

It’s Not About Me Anymore

Rachel’s away this week in San Francisco, and I’ve got the two boys – Nathaniel (4 years old) and Sebastian (6 months old). They are great kids, sweet, happy and a lot of fun. But they are also a lot of work, and Sebastian’s been fussy for the last couple of weeks too. The demands don’t stop from early morning until they’re both in bed around 8 to 9 o’clock. It’s been harder than I’d expected, more work, less patience, more mess, less time to think, more dishes, less me.

It’ now 2 pm…interruption…baby crying…feed baby…play with baby…get Nathaniel from school…make after school snack…walk to beach…come home and make dinner…clean up dishes…play a game…bath time…story time…feed baby…9 pm…end of interruption. There, that’s a typical afternoon. It’s now 9:24pm and I’m finally sitting down with a cup of coffee and piece of coffee cake.

What I am beginning to realize is that the whirlwind I feel around the kids is just a smaller version of the larger whirlwind I feel around this thing that we’re doing – leaving California looking for a “simpler” life. Just like I can’t control the kids and the spit-ups and the scraped knees, I can’t control what’s happening with the process of leaving our comfortable world behind while we look for a new one. We’ve left a life where we could give the kids to the nanny when we had other things to do, and we would go out to dinner if we didn’t feel like cooking. But we don’t have a nanny now, and we don’t eat out, and everything is new so it’s hard to do, and we don’t have any friends nearby so we’re doing it alone. And just like Sebastian’s transformations are gradual, and almost imperceptible, so too will our transformation be gradual and imperceptible. And one day Sebastian will be walking. And one day we will look back and wonder whether it really was so hard after all.

Posted by: Frank @ 10:21 pm — Filed under:

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